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Sarah's Story: Discovering Her Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: I have never loved sex. As a child, I felt defective because people praised it highly.”

The only issue that Cameron and I have ever disagreed on is our sex life. After meeting nine years ago, physical intimacy was clearly something he desired more frequently than I wanted. Following half a year of seeing each other, we decided to try an open arrangement so that Cameron could pursue individuals who have higher libidos than I am.

Initially, there were feelings of jealousy initially, but our connection was deepened due to our strong communication, and I came to feel very confident in our bond. It became a huge blessing for us, because I have never loved sex. Growing up, I thought broken since society at large idealized it, but I never fully comprehended the appeal about it.

Upon finding an asexuality resource on social media a while back, it was deeply relatable. I was shocked, as back then I considered myself a someone with desire – I like to masturbate, and I engaged in a considerable number of sex when I was younger. But I feel I engaged in those encounters due to the fact that I had lingering guilt – an effect of being a teenager in a society that teaches us it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

This information taught me was that being asexual is a wide range. As an instance, I experience no urge, even for individuals who I admire visually. I appreciate their appearance, but I have no desire to have sex with them. But I appreciate experiencing release. To me, it’s enjoyable and it’s a nice release – a method to clear out all the thoughts upstairs.

This was very freeing to share with my partner that asexuality describes me. He accepts it. We continue to engage in intimacy, because I sense deep connection and emotional unity at that time, and I am choosing intentionally when I feel the need to be close to him physically. It isn’t that I have a physical urge, but there are different motivations to engage sexually, such as desiring emotional intimacy. I see how much he enjoys it, and that brings me joy. Similarly that an individual who is not asexual can opt to abstain, I am able to choose to engage in intimacy for different purposes than sexual excitement.

His Perspective: Romance Outside of Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: Simply because sex isn’t the focus is not a sign that affection is lacking.”

Physical intimacy had been super important to me. It’s where I derived plenty of my self-worth. I was ill and in the hospital a lot as a teenager, so intimacy evolved into something that I thought provided empowerment over my body. This began to shift significantly when I met my partner, as sex was no longer the most important thing in our relationship.

With Sarah, I discovered additional merit in different aspects of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I don’t want to be intimate with other people now either. Whenever I experience like having sex, there exist alternative methods I can manage it. Masturbation is one, but it can also be a long walk, considering what’s on my mind or creative expression.

Upon her discovery of her identity, I began to realise that attraction is focused on emotional connection. This can occur via physical intimacy, but as well as through other methods that are just as valuable and gratifying. I once had a specific idea of what asexuality was – without sexual activity, you never experience desire. But it’s a spectrum, and it requires patience to determine your position on it.

We have been a couple for nine years, and simply because sex isn’t a priority is not a sign that romance is absent. Setting aside dedicated moments for romance is crucial for us. At times we work on complex building kits and build them in small portions each day, which is really intimate. Or we’ll have an evening out and head out for a non-alcoholic drink and a meal. We embrace and set goals for the future, which is an act of love. I feel a lot of pleasure from preparing meals for others, and it makes me very content like an post-intimacy feeling.

Her identity has enlarged the idea of our partnership. It’s like constraining the resources at your disposal for your relationship – it forces you to be more creative with your current situation. It encourages you to consider creatively. But it did not lessen the bond that I feel for Sarah whatsoever.