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I'm celebrating 90 days of sobriety and seeking advice on supporting my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. With rehab and support groups, I've reached this milestone, although my alcohol use intensified over the last couple of years. Previously, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Past Challenges

In the final stages, my alcohol consumption was constant, and my son witnessed me unstable and deeply unhappy. He developed a sense of responsibility, believing he was the only one who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I feel utterly ashamed about this. I have repeatedly told him that I alone can control my actions.

He lived with his father for several months—we separated five years ago, but his father is helpful of my sobriety. He moved back in with me when he started high school in September. Trust between us is slowly growing as he observes that I am sober and putting all my effort into improving.

Current Difficulties and Feelings

He remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my safety. This means, he is terribly controlling of my movements—partly due to fear about my past habits, but also because he is autistic and uneasy about anything unpredictable. I am working on self-assurance and limits; it would be easy to yield to his demands, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are awaiting help for my son from local addiction services. Meanwhile, I feel really uncertain about how to talk with him. I aim not to cause him distress, but I also wish not to ignore the previous events. How do we move forward?

Professional Advice on Healing

Children require a sense of safe, particularly after chaotic times when they couldn't be sure if their caregiver could protect them secure. They might be concerned about raising these topics now. Kids often think things are their responsibility—taking the blame rather than their guardians, as the other option feels overwhelming. Being autistic can exacerbate these emotions.

People in active addiction frequently make promises they may not be able to fulfill. It can be hard for loved ones to know what to trust.

It is not unusual for those in active addiction to offer apologies they may not maintain. As a result, family may struggle to hard to trust them. Along with boundaries, it's very crucial to be reliable and show your son that things are better, instead of just telling him.

Useful Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him settling in at his new school and create a solid routine. Then, present the idea that no subject is forbidden—if you're open to it. Mealtimes can be a suitable time to chat, as can parallel activities like strolling or traveling, since they require less eye contact, which some people find overwhelming. Perhaps there's an activity you and your son enjoy sharing? Don't think "we need to discuss," but seek opportunities for dialogue and let them occur naturally. Additionally, consider your son's preferred method of communication—it might not be talking; it could be written, or a mix of both.

It's important for him to understand that his safe place apart from home might be with his father. You should avoid feeling hurt if he chooses to go there at times. This isn't a sign you've failed—this is a process that won't be straightforward.

Separating Your Needs from His

It's vital to distinguish your requirements from your son's. Make sure you're not making him feel better to make yourself feel better—for your own relief—because you can't do that through your son. You can concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you receive strong assistance yourself.

You're doing great progress. Keep going.